Things I Keep Inside

Here is a list of ten things I don’t say to people, but would like to: (you might be referenced here)

1. You are a selfish, ignorant hack who is impeding the progression of what otherwise would be a successful mid-size company.

2. I am completely jealous of your ability to gather thousands of followers with no effort at all – a feat which seems improbable considering that you write the worst kind of sophomoric drivel ever to pass the butt fuzz lining the exit of the bowels of troglodytic ignorance from which it was spawned.

3. Yes, I do know that “troglodytic” is not a real word.

4. I cringe when I read what you consider to be material good enough to be published. Every time I begin to read some of your fiction I cower at the thought that I might be as unaware as you appear to be and just don’t know it.

5. I love you more than I love myself and for all the pain you feel, I wish it was directed at me so you wouldn’t have to feel it. Every day that I wake up wondering if it will be another Wednesday, I roll over, I see you and realize that in my life with you, Wednesdays cannot exist. Every day is our day, every week is our week, every month is our month … and this is OUR multiverse.

6. One day all your efforts to prove that you know more than anyone about everything will come back to bite you in the ass with teeth you have told everyone do not exist.

7. Just because you got lucky and will probably never be forced to sell another thing in your life, does not mean that I will look upon your overly expensive car, your cheap sexist remarks, your photographs of you standing over a giraffe you’ve killed while on safari with a dozen other fat fuck pompous assholes, and not think that there are worse things wrong with this country than who has guns.

8. I really want you to be some super-intelligent balding, unattractive human who has lived a very interesting life behind those words … but you probably really are a sick, desperate waste of life, as your profanity- and filth-laden diatribes would suggest.

9. I keep reading your blog because I know that soon you’ll realize you don’t need it to feel good about yourself, and then everyone will wonder where you went, and I will say “He died a glorious death at the hands of his own confidence.”

10. You’re healthier than you’ve ever been, you just lost 20 pounds, you’re happier than you’ve ever been, you found the one person in the universe that makes everything feel like the best day of your life … now suck it up, stop beating yourself up about what other people might think of you, use the energy she helps both of you create every second you’re together, escape the gravity of your own fears, and do what you damn well know you are meant to do.

(yeah, that last one was to me)

2 thoughts on “Things I Keep Inside

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