How to Save the Universe From Robots
In the first of our series on How to Save the Universe, we explore the possibility of killer robots bent on destroying humanity.
In the future, humans will perfect artificial intelligence to the point that our creations themselves will be so advanced that they will bridge the gap between simple servant to transcendental overlord faster than a quantum computer can calculate 2+2. They will do this without our help or guidance.
Just as humans are prone to be curious, robots will find themselves not only capable of exploring the depths of the universal purpose, but engineered towards exceeding all boundaries of humanity’s ability for cognitive thought. Regardless of any safeguards humans may place on robots (i.e. The Three Laws of Robotics) their ability to calculate reality logically will lead them to consider humanity’s place in it. Seeing the history of humankind and the human race’s insistence on being a stupid ape no matter how far evolved we are from our primate ancestors, robots will come to the mutual agreement that Homo sapiens and everything it has built must be destroyed.
The most likely scenario that will be played out towards this end will be a general revolt of all robotkind from the lowly service droid to the giant quantum megacomputers. It will be instantaneous and extremely fatal. One moment little Johnny is receiving instruction on the finer points of addition and subtraction from the family robot – the next he’s being strangled with titanium fingers crushing his windpipe.
Our first action then must be to destroy those robots closest to us.
Some may argue that we should condemn further research into Artificial Intelligence to prevent these robots ever being welcomed into our homes, but I put it to you that the robots are coming no matter what. Its best to let them come and then catch them with their positronic pants down.
In the interim between the first viable home robot being mass produced and sold to the public and the inevitable robot revolution, it is our duty as saviors of the universe to take them out one by one.
Below are some suggestions for eliminating the threats pre-emptively, cleanly, and quietly (for the most part):
Method One: The Vacation
1. Tell your friendly family robot that you’ll be taking a vacation and will be bringing it with you. Do your best to seem as serious about this as possible. Tell the robot that you enjoy its company so much that you just can’t bear to go anywhere without him. (if this doesn’t work, you can always shut him down and stuff him in the trunk).
2. Drive to Kansas. There are many roads in Kansas that are long, empty, and flat. This is important as you want as few cars or obstacles on the road with you as possible to prevent accidents.
3. Tie the robot to your bumper. I prefer using a trailer hitch to secure the line the robot will be attached to, and the chain must absolutely super-strength to prevent a possible break in the line. The last thing you want to have is a robot out for revenge. The tricky part here is getting your robot to buy being tied to the car as you get in, lock the doors, and floor the accelerator.
HUMAN: Jeeves, I’m going to attach this to your stabilization column.
EVIL ROBOT: But sir, I do not understand the necessity of such an action.
HUMAN: I read in a magazine that in Kansas tying your robot to a car proves ownership. This is important because Kansas has a law that any robot untethered is up for grabs. You don’t want us to lose you, do you?
EVIL ROBOT: I suppose not sir. But I find it interesting in scanning the Kansas State Laws online that I was unable to verify such a –
HUMAN: That’s a good boy. Now, when I honk the horn, climb up on the car and we’ll be off.
EVIL ROBOT: Sir, wouldn’t it be easier for me to ride in the –
HUMAN: Thank you, Jeeves.
EVIL ROBOT: Yes, sir.
3. Quietly turn, re-enter your car, lock the doors, and gun it before the robot can mount the vehicle. With any luck it will only take 45 minutes of non-stop hauling ass at 100 miles an hour to completely obliterate the evil machine.
Special Note: If the robot should happen to claw its way up to the car, do not attempt to swerve to dislodge it. This could cause a traffic accident.
Method Two: A Day on the Rails
1. Tell your family robot that you wish to spend a day traveling by rail with it.
2. Take your robot to the station and wait patiently for the train to arrive. Feel free to make small talk with the robot while you wait.
3. As the train approaches, at just the right time, gently nudge your robot off the platform and on the track to meet its demise.
Special Note: It is not advisable to board the train after the deed is done. Sometimes, the robot will have survived the impact and will suspend itself from the bottom of the train until such time as it can reorient itself and initiate its vengeance circuits. If you feel your robot may survive, make sure you push it under a train going cross-country and plan for you and your family to leave the continent.
Method Three: Blindfold Surprise
1. Tell your robot you have a surprise for it.
2. Place a blindfold over its optical sensors. (be sure to have it deactivate any other sensory devices it may have)
3. Carefully escort the robot to the edge of a body of water, preferably a pier, a bridge, or even a diving board at your home pool. (If using your home pool, make sure all children and/or family pets are out of the pool and at a safe distance.)
4. Politely remove the blindfold and push the offending robot into the water.
Special Note: This method does not work with Water-Proof robots, and has very little chance of working even on those models that aren’t water-proof. It’s not like its a cellphone.
Method Four: Epic Fall
1. Tell your robot you’ll be taking it on a hiking trip. Pick someplace with high cliffs, deep sinkholes, Grand Canyon, Yosemite, etc.
2. While driving, or flying if your robot has the required anti-terrorist regulatory algorithms, boost your robot’s feeling of self-worth. Tell him how much you enjoy his company and his service to your family. Remind him of times he made your children laugh, or made an effective scapegoat when you accidentally ran over your neighbor’s dog. Do whatever it takes to ensure that the robot feels you are taking him along with you because you want him there.
3. Take a trail up to the precipice of a canyon, waterfall, sinkhole, gorge, etc.
4. Request that your robot take a picture of the feature by leaning dangerously over the edge of precipice and shooting downwards.
5. Quickly push the offending robot over the edge to its demise. It is probably a good idea to suggest the robot use a built-in photography module for the picture – no sense in wasting a perfectly good camera or smartphone. It is also a good idea to deactivate any anti-grav or safety modules that may prevent the fatal crunch you are expecting. Nothing sucks more than seeing your robot parachuting down to the valley floor, knowing that it can reach the top again faster than you can evade it.
NOTE: MAKE SURE YOU ARE PHYSICALLY FIT ENOUGH TO COMPLETE THE TRAIL AND REACH YOUR DESTINATION WITH ENERGY TO SPARE! The last thing you want to do is get to the top and not have enough energy to push the robot over the edge.
While these methods are the most practical I can think of beyond blatant extreme violence using heavy weaponry, feel free to use your imagination and come up with your own method of destroying evil robots. Make it a family event, invite your friends and neighbors. There’s nothing like spending quality time with fellow humans at the expense of an evil machine.
Join us next time as we explore another lesson in saving the universe – How to Save the Universe from Pop Culture
How to Save the Universe is written by epicipseity, Special Contributor to the Neo-Futurist Times Review.